Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Will-ing and Won't-ing

I have been in a major slump. To think, I thought a whole month without a new post was bad (cue April 1), but when I realized I was approaching two months, I had to put an end to it.
These last two months have been wilder and crazier than even I imagined they could be. Remember my last post, where I vowed to become a morning runner, commit to my training schedule, and kick this half marathon’s ass in May? Well, much hasn’t changed.
I am, however, slowly gaining the confidence in myself that I knew was in there somewhere. When you go through the motions for so long, school, work, running, etc., it’s just one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Left, right, left, right. But some days, you step out of line. You upset the ebb and flow of the routine that’s holding you together, and you panic. Everything becomes questionable. What happens if one foot just won’t move in front of the other? What if there really just aren’t enough hours in the day. To finish the work? To find a job? To cross the finish line? *Insert panic attack*
As illogical as it sounds (illogical, me?) there have been moments in the last 8 weeks where all of my fears, all of my insecurities, were very real. I was won’t-ing more than I was will-ing, experiencing a very real physical reaction to the weight of all my won’ts. Down and out, suffocated by my worrying, my stressing…my won’t-ing.
In the last week, however, I experienced something very uncommon for me; a moment of Zen. A confidence boost. An “everything will be ok” moment.  And I can’t put my finger on what exactly triggered it.
Maybe it was my weekend with my family. The carefree stress of seeing my beautiful nieces, my brothers and sister, and knowing I could have a beer at 4:30 p.m. and eat as many meatballs as I wanted, if even just for two days.   
Maybe it was relaxing with my best friends, who know me better than anyone, and who constantly prove to me that this hard work pays off.
Maybe it was finally listening to my boyfriend, who kept reminding me I was weeks from never having to do this again.
And as simple as it sounds, I began will-ing. I just realized that I will, because I never wouldn’t. I would never not finish.  
I will finish my work because I will graduate.
I will become employed because I will find a job.
I will finish the race because I will follow through.

And just like that, all the anxiety and stress has flat-lined. Turns out I just had to be willing to stop won’t-ing.

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