Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Hardest Part

Well, its been (almost) a month since D-Day, and can you believe it?.. The world didn't end. 

Joking aside, I get asked a lot what its like. The separation, the deployment, the absence. Sure we've always done the distance thing but now he's gone gone. Most of the time I don't know where in the world he is!

I get a lot of the questions along the same lines. Is it hard that you can't talk to him whenever you want? What do you think? How do you deal with missing him? I sit in a corner and stare at the wall, sunrise to sunset. When will he be back for good? How much time do you have? While I'm happy to fill others in on the best answers I have, part of me wants to ask  "what do you think its like"?!?!

What's surprised me most about this experience so far? The hardest part. While I know I'm one of the lucky ones, someone with a time frame and a guaranteed  estimated return that can be marked in months (that can be counted on one hand), there are difficult times, hard parts.

You see, the hardest part isn't what you'd think it would be. Its not the lack of phone calls, text messages or emails. Its not the birthday you spend by yourself, knowing that as great as it was, something was missing. Its not the empty bed or the quiet house. Its not a breakfast for one or another trip home alone. The hardest part, is realizing it all seems so normal.

Don't get me wrong, this "hard part" is what keeps me sane. If I stayed up every night waiting for a phone call, an email, a surprise visit, a breakfast mate, a warm bed or expecting the unrealistic, I'd go mad. 

Somehow, though, its also the part that stings the most. Rationally, it all makes sense. Emotionally? Mentally? Its the hardest to fully digest. The new force fed routine. Going to bed at 10pm instead of 1am because, for these few months, there is no before bed Skype. There's no Skype at all! Waking up in the morning without wishing anyone a good day. Funny stories, laughs and "you wouldn't believe what just happened" moments carefully cataloged in your brain for another time. Going to bed so you can wake up and do it all over again, this time one day closer. A new normal that has a big, fat hole in it.

I never thought of myself as an anti-change person. I'm adventurous, I like to try new things. Mix it up? Sure.  But I realize this is one hat that doesn't fit. One routine I don't like; its the hardest part.  

Am I going to make it through all this without hard parts? Probably not. But I have to remind myself of one thing; how lucky I am to miss someone so much. To love someone so much that it makes their absence so difficult and such a struggle. So hard.

But these moments, these challenges, these "I don't want to do this, too bad you have to" moments are what shape all of us. And sometimes the hardest parts hold the greatest rewards. 

I know mine will.

1 comment:

  1. Hi!
    It may be tougher on us because we are not the ones "seeing the world". I really wish I were on this part of his trip with him. Don't you? I know it's beautiful there. But, yes, we both know that he is worth waiting for. And he is lucky to have you to miss as well.