Thursday, July 14, 2011

Worry Wart

Have you ever looked up "worry" in the dictionary? Worry is defined as thoughts and images of a negative nature in which mental attempts are made to avoid anticipated potential threats. Well if that's true, my world is filled with "anticipated potential threats", real and imagined. 

I guess most people can put two and two together; often times when you strive for control in every most situations, you are by default also a worrier. Hello world, my name is Meghan and I'm a worry wart. Its funny, if you ask some of my childhood friends they'll tell you I was probably the first 13 year old they knew with shiny slivers of gray hairs (coincidence? I think not...). 
Most times I wish I had a better mindset. I wish I didn't over-think, obsess, plan for contingencies, re-plan for new contingencies, plan for contingencies on top of contingencies (I think you get the idea here). Has it helped me be fully prepared in some situations? Yes. Has it, just as many times, given me unnecessary stress and anxiety that could have been avoided if I just didn't worry so much? Yes. 

I've really used this blog as my forum. I worry about my career. I worry about my relationships. I worry about doing the right thing. I worry about my boyfriend, I worry about his safety. But I also waste so much time worrying about the unnecessary. The weather, traffic, decoding emails and text messages. 

Perfect example, yesterday after my internship boss sent me a text letting me know she "needed to talk to me" before I arrived at work, I immediately began to worry. I knew it, I was fired. I was being fired from my fake, unpaid, internship (that to be quite honest I don't love). I spent 15 long awaited, heart in my throat minutes thinking of how embarrassed I was going to be after I was fired from an unpaid internship. To be fair, I had for some time been feeling very guilty; like I hadn't been devoting enough time to this position on top of my regularly paid job. I concluded that she must have had enough, and I would now be fired. Turns out she was calling to tell me not to come in today or tomorrow because her wireless Internet was down. She let me know that it would be pointless for me to show up until it was running again later in the week.

I'm counting the gray hairs as we speak...

It got me thinking about my gray haired vice. Why is this worry so persistent? Why do I let it consume so much of my time and energy? Does it denote a lack of confidence? Is it self doubt disguised in worry?

I was once told that worrying is a lack of faith. While I've had my embarrassing bouts of over-thinking (who, me?), I don't think this should label me faithless. I think it really boils down to one question; can you be a realist and an optimist at the same time? Sometimes, yes, but for me, sometimes no too. Sometimes reality wins, and you find yourself standing guard for those "anticipated potential threats", warranted or not.

And somewhere, a new gray hair shows up..

What do you think?

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